No trident for Aquajosh

My head hung in shame, I sit here contemplating what a non-athletic moron I am. I can't even breathe right. Or at least underwater I can't.

That's right, folks. I totally blew my scuba class and now there's no time to get certified for my cruise next week. Sure, I know, boo-hoo poor Josh. What's next, his latte's going to be too foamy? He didn't get right color Maserati? Screw him. He should be thankful for what he has.

Which I am. Thankful it is. Thankful that my more than gracious aunt Lu and grandmother are taking all the kids (and my lovely wife) on a cruise down to Mexico. I'm also thankful that my aunt was willing to fork over the dough to pay for our certification. That makes me feel so much more the douchebag for not going through with it.

Without the India trip, we would have had time to get everything taken care of, but it put everything out of whack. Right, I know. Poor Josh. But maybe it was the pressure of having to know 100 percent how to do it immediately that freaked me out. Or maybe it was the jetlag. Or maybe that I'm a big puss.

I don't even know what really happened the other day in our pool, with John the enormously rotund scuba guy teaching us but something in me revolted. We were under water and I was practicing taking off my mask, putting it back on and breathing bubbles from my nose to fill the mask and I just lost it. What the hell am I doing? I'm breathing snot bubbles into my goggles? Screw that. Furthermore, I think I forgot how to breath out of my mouth. I just freaked, so up to the surface I went. Which in scuba is a big no-no. If you have a problem and you're 50 feet down, you just have to deal with it, becuase if you bolt for the surface you can get the bends and DIE!!!!!

I bolted to the surface, of our pool, which wasn't much of a bolt, more like just standing up really, and I was done. I was coughing up water, my eyes were red and I felt like the biggest moron in the world. To my credit, Andrea did pretty much the same thing. We both decided to stop the lesson and reconvene later. Which I sort of hope we do, because the first time I went down, I loved it. It was the most amazing thing I've ever done. Breathing underwater, how cool is that?

To add injury to insult, I think I gave myself pneumonia. Immediatly afterward my sinuses were on fire and my lungs felt full of water. It's two days later and I still feel like crap. I'm coughing and blowing my nose and look like I just got kicked in the face by Jacques Cousteau himself.

Serves me right, I suppose. Just ain't natural breathing underwater. Just ain't natural.

I guess I'll have to make up the time I would be scuba-ing with well, I don't know...how about drinking and stuffing my face? Okay, I guess I can live with that. There's always next time.